Journal articles on the topic 'Assembly bowing'

AbstractWeld bowing distortions are detrimental to the assembly process, where laser process parameters such as laser power, welding speed, defocusing distance and gas flow rate play a significant role in determining the weld bowing distortion. Herein, weld bowing distortions in 1-mm-thick AA5052 aluminum were measured by the digital image correlation technique following laser welding. Two mathematical response models were developed to predict the laser weld bowing distortion according to the central composite rotatable design method. The optimized process parameters for minimum bowing distortion were obtained, and the influence of the laser process parameters on the weld bowing distortions was found.

Fuel assembly bowing is a known phenomenon observed in many PWR reactors all over the world. The phenomenon is relevant to safety as it can lead to increased water gaps between assemblies which results in higher pin peaking factors. The goal of the present study is to assess the effect of assembly bowing not only for stead-state nominal conditions but also during a transient. The selected transient is the loss of one reactor coolant pump as it can be limiting especially regarding the Departure from Nucleate Boiling (DNB) safety criterion. This study focuses on an extreme case where the bowing is simulated in the core hot assembly by keeping the water gap constant over the whole core active length. The resulting cross-sections and form functions obtained from a 2d infinite lattice model are used in the nodal diffusion code DYN3D applying its pin-by-pin reconstruction method. For the transient simulation, DYN3D is coupled with the thermal-hydraulics subchannel code CTF on the SALOME platform. Several modelling options are compared: nominal geometry for neutronics and thermal-hydraulics (TH); mixed: neutronics with increased water gap, TH with nominal geometry; and increased water gap for both neutronics and TH. The results confirm that the increased water gap should be considered in both models in order to reduce the conservatism.

An analytical model is developed for determining the bowing of a component mounted on a printed wiring board (PWB) that is subjected to a bending moment. The model assumes a uniform elastic attach, between the component and the board. The elastic attach is assumed to transmit axial forces and restrain cross-sections of the component against rotation. The closed form solution to the beam equations directly determines the bowing of the component and the board. The solution is then used for computing the forces and moments, and hence, stresses in the leads that can occur in static or vibrational loading of a PWB/component assembly. The present analysis applies to electronic components with uniformly distributed leads in an array format, such as some PGA components, or to the class of components with parallel rows of leads such as a DIP or a SOIC. To demonstrate the solution and whether or not the rotational stiffness of the component leads needs to be considered, three different types of packages are analyzed.

The purpose of the analysis is to find out whether die attachment can be made compliant enough to protect the chip from excessive bowing of the substrate. We showed that in a typical situation, when the substrate (card) has a significantly larger flexural rigidity than the chip, the mechanical behavior of the chip-substrate assembly is governed by a parameter u=lK/4D14, where l is half the chip’s length, D1 is its flexural rigidity, and K is the through thickness spring constant of the attachment. We found that in order for a die attachment to have an appreciable effect on chip bowing, this parameter should be considerably smaller than 2.5. In the performed numerical example, for a 2 rail thick die attachment, this value corresponds to Young’s modulus of only 2300 psi. Therefore we conclude that conventional epoxy adhesives cannot provide sufficient buffering effect in this case, and, if such adhesives are used, the curvature of the die will be practically the same as the curvature of the substrate. In this situation, thinner dies will result in lower bending stresses. However, if low modulus die attachment materials, such as silicone gels, are considered, then employment of thicker dies might be advisable.

The work is focused on the influence of investigation of some core heterogeneities and construction materials on the space power (fission rate) distribution in WWER-1000-type cores, especially from viewpoint of the values and gradient occurrence that could result in static loads with some consequences, for example, fuel pin (FP) or fuel assembly (FA) bowing and possible contribution to the FP failure root causes. For this purpose, experimental data and their analysis from two earlier performed measurements on light water, zero-power reactor LR-0 were used, concerning the relative radial power distribution determined by measurements in a WWER-1000-type core containing single FPs with homogeneous gadolinium admixture () and the relative radial power distribution determined by measurements in FA situated on the periphery of a WWER-1000-type core neighbouring the baffle (thermal shielding).

Abstract The rapid and localized heating techniques allow the joining of temperature-sensitive materials and components without thermal induced damage commonly encountered when high-temperature solder reflow processes are used. This is also advantageous for making assemblies with materials having a large difference in the coefficient of thermal expansion without induced bowing or cracking. The use of exothermic reactive foil sandwiched between solder preforms is a promising local and rapid soldering process because it does not require any external heat source. The reactive foil is formed from alternatively stacked nanolayers of Ni and Al until it reaches the total film thickness. Once the film is activated by using an external power source, a reaction takes place and releases such an amount of energy that is transferred to the solder preforms. If this amount of energy is high enough, solder preforms melt and insure the adhesion between the materials of the assembly. The influences of the applied pressure, the reactive film (RF) thickness as well as the solder, and the attached materials chemical composition and thickness were investigated. It was shown that the applied pressure during the process has a strong effect on the joint initial quality with voids ratio decreases from 64% to 26% for pressure values between .5 and 100 kPa, respectively. This can be explained by the improvement of the solder flow under higher pressure leading to a better surface wettability and voids elimination. Otherwise, the joint quality was found to be improved once the solder melting duration is increased. This relationship was observed when the thickness of the reactive foil is increased (additional induced energy) or the thickness of solders, Cu, and/or Si is decreased (less energy consumption). The microstructure of the AuSn joint achieved using the RFs shows very fine phase distribution compared with the one obtained using conventional solder reflow process in the oven because of high cooling rate. The mechanical properties of the joint were evaluated using shear tests performed on 350-μm-thick silicon diodes assembled on active metal brazed substrates under a pressure of 100 kPa. The RFs were 60 μm thick and sandwiched between two 25-μm-thick 96.5Sn3Ag.5Cu (SAC) preforms. The voids ratio was about 37% for the tested samples and shear strength values above 9.5 MPa were achieved which remains largely higher than MIL-STD-883H requirements. Finally, the process impact on the electrical properties of the assembled diodes was compared with a commonly used solder reflow assembly and the results show a negligible variation.

he direct epitaxial growth of germanium on silicon (Ge-on-Si) has fostered the development of near infrared detectors for telecom and imaging applications [1]. The long wavelength responsivity of these devices is limited to approximately 1550 nm corresponding to the direct energy gap of Ge EgΓ= 0.8 eV. Indeed, the absorption coefficient at the indirect gap EgL= 0.66 eV (λ≈1800 nm) is roughly two orders of magnitudes lower than that above the direct gap threshold. A sizable absorption within the 1550-1800 nm windows would, therefore, require exceedingly thick epilayers leading to wafer bowing and crack formation. An extended infrared absorption would, however, be beneficial for imaging applications since long wavelength radiation is less affected by Rayleigh and Mie scattering limiting visibility in fog and dusty conditions. A viable route to enhance the responsivity of Gen-on-Si photodetectors in the 1550-1800 nm region might be exploiting the micro-structuring of the absorbing layer to increase the effective volume of interaction between light and matter. In this work we report on a new type of detector, obtained from Ge micro-crystals epitaxially grown on a patterned Si substrate [2]. The faceted morphology and relatively high aspect ratio of the microcrystals is seen to enhance the detector responsivity in the wavelength region comprised between the direct (λ≈1550 nm) and indirect (λ≈1800 nm) gap of Ge, as compared to conventional planar devices. The epitaxial growth has been performed by means of Low-Energy Plasma-Enhanced CVD (LEPECVD). Microcrystal formation is based on the self-assembly of Ge crystals on a Si substrate, deeply patterned by optical lithography and reactive ion etching. 3D microcrystals, several micrometer tall and characterized by a limited lateral expansion, are obtained by using optimized growth parameters. Due to crystal faceting, light trapping effects are expected to take place within the microcrystals leading to increased in the fraction of absorbed light when compared to conventional epitaxial layers. Modelling of the near-IR absorption properties of the Ge-on-Si micro-crystals, and of conventional epilayer used as a reference,has been performed by finite difference time domain (FDTD) simulations. The ratio between the fraction of absorbed power of an array of Ge-on-Si micro-crystals and a planar Ge-on-Si epilayer is estimated to be always higher than one, with a factor of two increase in the spectral region between the direct and indirect gap (λ≈1550-1800 nm). Ge microcrystals photodetectors have been fabricated using graphene as a transparent top contact (see Fig. 1). A confocal microscope with a supercontinuum laser source (1300 - 1800 nm), has been used to obtain the photodetector responsivity. The spot size was smaller than the patterned area (100 μm x 100 μm) thus enabling the illumination of a few Ge-on-Si micro-crystals. The photocurrent measurements experimentally confirm the enhanced absorption in the 1550-1800 nm spectral region [4] with a responsivity exceeding, by a factor of seven, that of a reference conventional Ge-on-Si photodiode at 1700 nm. These results pave the way to a new class of photodetectors, exploiting light trapping phenomena in self assembled semiconductors microstructures. J. Michel, J. Liu, and L. C. Kimerling, High-performance Ge-on-Si photodetectors, Nat. Photonics 4, 527–534, (2010) C. V. Falub et al., Scaling Hetero-Epitaxy from Layers to Three-Dimensional Crystals, Science (80). 1330–1334, (2012). M. Albani et al. Faceting of Si and Ge crystals grown on deeply patterned Si substrates in the kinetic regime: phase-field modelling and experiments, Scientific Reports 11, 18825 (2021) V. Falcone et al., Graphene/Ge microcrystal photodetectors with enhanced infrared responsivity, APL Photonics 7, 046106 (2022) Figure 1

AbstractThe bowfin (Amia calva) is a ray-finned fish that possesses a unique suite of ancestral and derived phenotypes, which are key to understanding vertebrate evolution. The phylogenetic position of bowfin as a representative of neopterygian fishes, its archetypical body plan and its unduplicated and slowly evolving genome make bowfin a central species for the genomic exploration of ray-finned fishes. Here we present a chromosome-level genome assembly for bowfin that enables gene-order analyses, settling long-debated neopterygian phylogenetic relationships. We examine chromatin accessibility and gene expression through bowfin development to investigate the evolution of immune, scale, respiratory and fin skeletal systems and identify hundreds of gene-regulatory loci conserved across vertebrates. These resources connect developmental evolution among bony fishes, further highlighting the bowfin’s importance for illuminating vertebrate biology and diversity in the genomic era.

One of my goals as editor has been to develop cross-regional consideration in the pages of this journal of major issues drawing scholarly attention in both the social sciences and humanities. The most common approach for such projects is to bring groups of scholars together at a conference and then to publish a conference volume. Indeed, JAS has published groups of papers from such conferences, most recently the four articles on vernacular Muslim literature in Asia organized by John Bowen (JAS 52.3 [August 1993]). In a variation on that approach, other academic journals, such as Daedalus, assemble groups of articles around a common theme. Many scholarly journals have some or even all of their issues organized around special topics.

This article investigates the hermeneutic position of one text in relation to another one. More precisely, it is the case when one of the texts clarifies the meaning of another, amplifies the emphases of the other text, raises it to a higher power. A literary work with such explanatory intention is designated in the article with the term “semantic amplifier”. Its action is demonstrated by an analysis of two literary works of Dostoevsky: the novel “The Idiot” and the long short story “The Meek One”. The term “dissipative motif network” is introduced in order to designate a network of motifs, whose links stand significantly wide apart and refer to different narrative situations. The connections among the variants of the motifs are not obvious or graphic; they are so to speak dotted, implicit and require deciphering. In “The Idiot” the links of the motif network are such as marking oneself with a sign of the cross in front of an icon, deadly paleness, jumping, and blood. However, those are also the links of the motif chain that constitutes the suicide of the character in “The Meek One”. Nevertheless, when a reader goes through the lens of “The Idiot”, the linkage among these motifs in the long short story seems to be accelerated. What is separated in time and is indirectly connected, it becomes tightened and assembled. The dissipative motif network so to speak gathers up into one indivisible gesture in which this cause and effect merge together into one single trajectory of the jump, the end of which is the death of the character. It is as if what happens in “The Meek One” is latently set in advance in “The Idiot”. A jump from the stairs and a leaping from the roof are variants of the very important for Dostoevsky motif “threshold situation”, which is crossing the threshold in a literal and in a figurative sense; an act which marks a turning point in a plot when decisions are taken, characters go through a crisis and cross the border of incompatible events. When “The Meek One” is read in the sense of framework of “The Idiot”, the story has the function of a semantic amplifier: the jump from a low height turns into a jump from a great height; the almost unconscious ritual of bowing in front of the icon turns into jumping with an icon held in both hands, the deadly paleness understood figuratively turns into the real paleness of a dead body. Thus, in the process that is aimed at creating its artistic conception, a literary work enters into the depths of another literary work, deciphers its innermost messages, enunciates and articulates them with its own voice.

GaAs-based nanowires (NWs) have a great potential for applications in photonics and optoelectronics, partly owing to flexibility in band structure engineering via alloying, strain and structural polymorphism. Among promising GaAs-based materials for device applications are highly mismatched GaNAs and GaAsBi alloys. The giant bowing in the bandgap energy characteristic for these materials allows easy tuning of emission wavelengths, while other modifications of their electronic structure promise to improve performance of infrared lasers and solar cells. In this talk we will review our recent results related to the electronic properties of novel GaNAs and GaAsBi NWs and provide several examples highlighting their advantages. First of all, we will show that a GaNAs-based mutishell NW can be used as an efficient coherent photon source, where the NW acts both as a miniaturized optical resonator and as a photonic gain medium. Its wavelength can be efficiently tuned by minor changes in N composition, e.g. down to 1 µm with only 2.5 % of nitrogen [1]. The lasing mode is found to arise from the fundamental HE11a mode of the Fabry-Perot cavity from a single NW, exhibiting optical polarization along the NW axis. Moreover, due to superior nonlinear properties of GaNAs, self-frequency conversion of the stimulated emission through second harmonic generation and sum-frequency generation is observed, providing coherent light emission in the cyan-green range. Secondly, we will demonstrate that alloying of GaAs with N and/or Bi leads to the formation of self-assembled quantum dots (QDs) embedded in NWs and, therefore, is an efficient way to fabricate hybrid QD-NW structures with high optical quality. In the case of dilute nitrides, optically active and highly localized QD states are formed due to local fluctuations in N composition [2], whereas in dilute bismides they are caused by Bi segregation at twin planes [3]. Such QDs act as single photon emitters, promising for application in quantum communication technologies. And finally, we will show that favorable band alignment at the interface between a dilute nitride alloy and parental N-free material leads to very efficient energy upconversion due to two-step two-photon absorption in the related NW heterostructures, with the efficiency of this process being among the highest reported in semiconductor nanostructures. Specifically, we show [4] that, in radial GaAs(P)/GaNAs(P) core/shell NW heterostructures, the upconversion efficiency increases by 500 times as compared with that of the constituent materials, even under an excitation power as low as 100 mW/cm2 that is comparable to the one-sun illumination. The upconversion efficiency can be further improved by 8 times through engineering the electric-field distribution of the excitation light inside the NWs so that light absorption is maximized within the desired region of the heterostructure. References [1] S.L. Chen et al. Nano Lett. 19, 885 (2019) [2] M. Jansson et al. Phys. Rev. Mater. 4, 056005 (2020) [3] B. Zhang et al. Nanoscale 12, 20849 (2020) [4] M. Jansson et al. ACS Nano 16, 12666 (2022)

AbstractBandgap engineering of compound semiconductors and the fabrication of bandgap-modulated heterostructures are important for enabling the development of modern optoelectronics. However, these engineering processes are challenging for two-dimensional (2D) semiconductors of transition metal dichalcogenides, particularly on a large scale. Herein, we report the wafer-scale homogeneous growth of composition-modulated WS2xSe2(1-x) alloys with a continuously tunable bandgap using metal–organic chemical vapor deposition. Well-optimized growth produces monolayer films with excellent homogeneity over the entire wafer. The substitutional atomic chalcogen (S, Se) concentration in WS2xSe2(1-x) alloys is precisely controlled by varying the flow rate of the metal–organic precursors, leading to a bandgap modulation from 1.67 to 2.05 eV, as determined from absorbance spectra. Notably, the optical bandgap of WS2xSe2(1-x) alloys exhibits a nearly linear relationship with the chalcogen composition, implying a low bowing effect. This bowing-alleviated bandgap modulation is attributed to the small lattice mismatch, strain relaxation, and thermodynamic miscibility in the WS2xSe2(1-x) alloys, as confirmed by density-functional theory calculations. Furthermore, the fabrication of hetero-multilayers by stacking differently alloyed films is demonstrated. The produced heterostructure film exhibits a broad spectral absorbance distinct from that of the individual layers. The findings of this study provide insights for the advancement of versatile design of functional 2D optoelectronics.

This investigation gives the exploratory and theoretical purpose behind the distinctive evidence of nuclear structure, expanding and bowing developments, sub-nuclear geometry, powerful UV assessment using density functional theory (DFT) system with a B3LYP/6-311++ basis set. Optical maintenance territory is ideal for fiber optic sensor applications, and the disclosures tend to describe the straightforwardness of γ - HCH. Furthermore, frontier molecular orbital (FMO), UV-Visible NIR, was evaluated and seen as flawless with the exploratory characteristics. The HOMO-LUMO essentialness levels' uniqueness chooses the molecule's engine steadfastness, substance reactivity, compound non-abrasiveness, and hardness. The molecular electrostatic potential (MEP) is a critical mechanical assembly in electrophilic and nucleophilic goals affirmation. To recognize the reflection planes in the GME and to check the crystalline flawlessness of the GME, powder X-beam diffraction examples of the powdered example has been recorded utilizing a Reich Seifert diffractometer with CuKα (λ = 1.5418 Ǻ) radiation at 30 kV, 40 mA. In addition, ADMET boundaries, bioactivity radar, and scores are calculated using Swiss ADME and ADMET pointers to measure sub-atomic descriptors as well as to overview nuclear components.

Abstract Holosteans (gars and bowfins) represent the sister lineage to teleost fishes, the latter being a clade that comprises over half of all living vertebrates and includes important models for comparative genomics and human health. A major distinction between the evolutionary history of teleosts and holosteans is that all teleosts experienced a genome duplication event in their early evolutionary history. As the teleost genome duplication occurred after teleosts diverged from holosteans, holosteans have been heralded as a means to bridge teleost models to other vertebrate genomes. However, only three species of holosteans have been genome-sequenced to date, and sequencing of more species is needed to fill sequence sampling gaps and provide a broader comparative basis for understanding holostean genome evolution. Here we report the first high quality reference genome assembly and annotation of the longnose gar (Lepisosteus osseus). Our final assembly consists of 22,709 scaffolds with a total length of 945 bp with contig N50 of 116.61 kb. Using BRAKER2, we annotated a total of 30,068 genes. Analysis of the repetitive regions of the genome reveals the genome to contain 29.12% transposable elements, and the longnose gar to be the only other known vertebrate outside of the spotted gar and bowfin to contain CR1, L2, Rex1, and Babar. These results highlight the potential utility of holostean genomes for understanding the evolution of vertebrate repetitive elements, and provide a critical reference for comparative genomic studies utilizing ray-finned fish models.

'He did what the cipher could not, he rescued himself.' -- Alfred Bester, The Stars My Destination (23) On many levels, the new Nine Inch Nails album The Fragile is a gritty meditation about different types of End: the eternal relationship cycle of 'fragility, tension, ordeal, fragmentation' (adapted, with apologies to Wilhelm Reich); fin-de-siècle anxiety; post-millennium foreboding; a spectre of the alien discontinuity that heralds an on-rushing future vastly different from the one envisaged by Enlightenment Project architects. In retrospect, it's easy for this perspective to be dismissed as jargon-filled cyber-crit hyperbole. Cyber-crit has always been at its best too when it invents pre-histories and finds hidden connections between different phenomena (like the work of Greil Marcus and early Mark Dery), and not when it is closer to Chinese Water Torture, name-checking the canon's icons (the 'Deleuze/Guattari' tag-team), texts and key terms. "The organization of sound is interpreted historically, politically, socially ... . It subdues music's ambition, reins it in, restores it to its proper place, reconciles it to its naturally belated fate", comments imagineer Kodwo Eshun (4) on how cyber-crit destroys albums and the innocence of the listening experience. This is how official histories are constructed a priori and freeze-dried according to personal tastes and prior memes: sometimes the most interesting experiments are Darwinian dead-ends that fail to make the canon, or don't register on the radar. Anyone approaching The Fragile must also contend with the music industry's harsh realities. For every 10 000 Goth fans who moshed to the primal 'kill-fuck-dance' rhythms of the hit single "Closer" (heeding its siren-call to fulfil basic physiological needs and build niche-space), maybe 20 noted that the same riff returned with a darker edge in the title track to The Downward Spiral, undermining the glorification of Indulgent hedonism. "The problem with such alternative audiences," notes Disinformation Creative Director Richard Metzger, "is that they are trying to be different -- just like everyone else." According to author Don Webb, "some mature Chaos and Black Magicians reject their earlier Nine Inch Nails-inspired Goth beginnings and are extremely critical towards new adopters because they are uncomfortable with the subculture's growing popularity, which threatens to taint their meticulously constructed 'mysterious' worlds. But by doing so, they are also rejecting their symbolic imprinting and some powerful Keys to unlocking their personal history." It is also difficult to separate Nine Inch Nails from the commercialisation and colossal money-making machine that inevitably ensued on the MTV tour circuit: do we blame Michael Trent Reznor because most of his audience are unlikely to be familiar with 'first-wave' industrial bands including Cabaret Voltaire and the experiments of Genesis P. Orridge in Throbbing Gristle? Do we accuse Reznor of being a plagiarist just because he wears some of his influences -- Dr. Dre, Daft Punk, Atari Teenage Riot, Pink Floyd's The Wall (1979), Tom Waits's Bone Machine (1992), David Bowie's Low (1977) -- on his sleeve? And do we accept no-brain rock critic album reviews who quote lines like 'All the pieces didn't fit/Though I really didn't give a shit' ("Where Is Everybody?") or 'And when I suck you off/Not a drop will go to waste' ("Starfuckers Inc") as representative of his true personality? Reznor evidently has his own thoughts on this subject, but we should let the music speak for itself. The album's epic production and technical complexity turned into a post-modern studio Vision Quest, assisted by producer Alan Moulder, eleventh-hour saviour Bob Ezrin (brought in by Reznor to 'block-out' conceptual and sonic continuity), and a group of assault-technicians. The fruit of these collaborations is an album where Reznor is playing with our organism's time-binding sense, modulating strange emotions through deeply embedded tonal angularities. During his five-year absence, Trent Reznor fought diverse forms of repetitious trauma, from endogenous depression caused by endless touring to the death of his beloved grandmother (who raised him throughout childhood). An end signals a new beginning, a spiral is an open-ended and ever-shifting structure, and so Reznor sought to re-discover the Elder Gods within, a shamanic approach to renewal and secular salvation utilised most effectively by music PR luminary and scientist Howard Bloom. Concerned with healing the human animal through Ordeals that hard-wire the physiological baselines of Love, Hate and Fear, Reznor also focusses on what happens when 'meaning-making' collapses and hope for the future cannot easily be found. He accurately captures the confusion that such dissolution of meaning and decline of social institutions brings to the world -- Francis Fukuyama calls this bifurcation 'The Great Disruption'. For a generation who experienced their late childhood and early adolescence in Reagan's America, Reznor and his influences (Marilyn Manson and Filter) capture the Dark Side of recent history, unleashed at Altamont and mutating into the Apocalyptic style of American politics (evident in the 'Star Wars'/SDI fascination). The personal 'psychotic core' that was crystallised by the collapse of the nuclear family unit and supportive social institutions has returned to haunt us with dystopian fantasies that are played out across Internet streaming media and visceral MTV film-clips. That such cathartic releases are useful -- and even necessary (to those whose lives have been formed by socio-economic 'life conditions') is a point that escapes critics like Roger Scruton, some Christian Evangelists and the New Right. The 'escapist' quality of early 1980s 'Rapture' and 'Cosmocide' (Hal Lindsey) prophecies has yielded strange fruit for the Children of Ezekiel, whom Reznor and Marilyn Manson are unofficial spokes-persons for. From a macro perspective, Reznor's post-human evolutionary nexus lies, like J.G. Ballard's tales, in a mythical near-future built upon past memory-shards. It is the kind of worldview that fuses organic and morphogenetic structures with industrial machines run amok, thus The Fragile is an artefact that captures the subjective contents of the different mind produced by different times. Sonic events are in-synch but out of phase. Samples subtly trigger and then scramble kinaesthetic-visceral and kinaesthetic-tactile memories, suggestive of dissociated affective states or body memories that are incapable of being retrieved (van der Kolk 294). Perhaps this is why after a Century of Identity Confusion some fans find it impossible to listen to a 102-minute album in one sitting. No wonder then that the double album is divided into 'left' and 'right' discs (a reference to split-brain research?). The real-time track-by-track interpretation below is necessarily subjective, and is intended to serve as a provisional listener's guide to the aural ur-text of 1999. The Fragile is full of encrypted tones and garbled frequencies that capture a world where the future is always bleeding into a non-recoverable past. Turbulent wave-forms fight for the listener's attention with prolonged static lulls. This does not make for comfortable or even 'nice' listening. The music's mind is a snapshot, a critical indicator, of the deep structures brewing within the Weltanschauung that could erupt at any moment. "Somewhat Damaged" opens the album's 'Left' disc with an oscillating acoustic strum that anchor's the listener's attention. Offset by pulsing beats and mallet percussion, Reznor builds up sound layers that contrast with lyrical epitaphs like 'Everything that swore it wouldn't change is different now'. Icarus iconography is invoked, but perhaps a more fitting mythopoeic symbol of the journey that lies ahead would be Nietzsche's pursuit of his Ariadne through the labyrinth of life, during which the hero is steadily consumed by his numbing psychosis. Reznor fittingly comments: 'Didn't quite/Fell Apart/Where were you?' If we consider that Reznor has been repeating the same cycle with different variations throughout all of his music to date, retro-fitting each new album into a seamless tapestry, then this track signals that he has begun to finally climb out of self-imposed exile in the Underworld. "The Day the World Went Away" has a tremendously eerie opening, with plucked mandolin effects entering at 0:40. The main slashing guitar riff was interpreted by some critics as Reznor's attempt to parody himself. For some reason, the eerie backdrop and fragmented acoustic guitar strums recalls to my mind civil defence nuclear war films. Reznor, like William S. Burroughs, has some powerful obsessions. The track builds up in intensity, with a 'Chorus of the Damned' singing 'na na nah' over apocalyptic end-times imagery. At 4:22 the track ends with an echo that loops and repeats. "The Frail" signals a shift to mournful introspectiveness with piano: a soundtrack to faded 8 mm films and dying memories. The piano builds up slowly with background echo, holds and segues into ... "The Wretched", beginning with a savage downbeat that recalls earlier material from Pretty Hate Machine. 'The Far Aways/Forget It' intones Reznor -- it's becoming clear that despite some claims to the contrary, there is redemption in this album, but it is one borne out of a relentless move forward, a strive-drive. 'You're finally free/You could be' suggest Reznor studied Existentialism during his psychotherapy visits. This song contains perhaps the ultimate post-relationship line: 'It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, did it?' It's over, just not the way you wanted; you can always leave the partner you're with, but the ones you have already left will always stain your memories. The lines 'Back at the beginning/Sinking/Spinning' recall the claustrophobic trapped world and 'eternal Now' dislocation of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder victims. At 3:44 a plucked cello riff, filtered, segues into a sludge buzz-saw guitar solo. At 5:18 the cello riff loops and repeats. "We're in This Together Now" uses static as percussion, highlighting the influence of electricity flows instead of traditional rock instrument configurations. At 0:34 vocals enter, at 1:15 Reznor wails 'I'm impossible', showing he is the heir to Roger Waters's self-reflective rock-star angst. 'Until the very end of me, until the very end of you' reverts the traditional marriage vow, whilst 'You're the Queen and I'm the King' quotes David Bowie's "Heroes". Unlike earlier tracks like "Reptile", this track is far more positive about relationships, which have previously resembled toxic-dyads. Reznor signals a delta surge (breaking through barriers at any cost), despite a time-line morphing between present-past-future. At 5:30 synths and piano signal a shift, at 5:49 the outgoing piano riff begins. The film-clip is filled with redemptive water imagery. The soundtrack gradually gets more murky and at 7:05 a subterranean note signals closure. "The Fragile" is even more hopeful and life-affirming (some may even interpret it as devotional), but this love -- representative of the End-Times, alludes to the 'Glamour of Evil' (Nico) in the line 'Fragile/She doesn't see her beauty'. The fusion of synths and atonal guitars beginning at 2:13 summons forth film-clip imagery -- mazes, pageants, bald eagles, found sounds, cloaked figures, ruined statues, enveloping darkness. "Just like You Imagined" opens with Soundscapes worthy of Robert Fripp, doubled by piano and guitar at 0:39. Drums and muffled voices enter at 0:54 -- are we seeing a pattern to Reznor's writing here? Sonic debris guitar enters at 1:08, bringing forth intensities from white noise. This track is full of subtle joys like the 1:23-1:36 solo by David Bowie pianist Mike Garson and guitarist Adrian Belew's outgoing guitar solo at 2:43, shifting back to the underlying soundscapes at 3:07. The sounds are always on the dissipative edge of chaos. "Just like You Imagined" opens with Soundscapes worthy of Robert Fripp, doubled by piano and guitar at 0:39. Drums and muffled voices enter at 0:54 -- are we seeing a pattern to Reznor's writing here? Sonic debris guitar enters at 1:08, bringing forth intensities from white noise. This track is full of subtle joys like the 1:23-1:36 solo by David Bowie pianist Mike Garson and guitarist Adrian Belew's outgoing guitar solo at 2:43, shifting back to the underlying soundscapes at 3:07. The sounds are always on the dissipative edge of chaos. "Pilgrimage" utilises a persistent ostinato and beat, with a driving guitar overlay at 0:18. This is perhaps the most familiar track, using Reznor motifs like the doubling of the riff with acoustic guitars between 1:12-1:20, march cries, and pitch-shift effects on a 3:18 drumbeat/cymbal. Or at least I could claim it was familiar, if it were not that legendary hip-hop producer and 'edge-of-panic' tactilist Dr. Dre helped assemble the final track mix. "No, You Don't" has been interpreted as an attack on Marilyn Manson and Hole's Courntey Love, particularly the 0:47 line 'Got to keep it all on the outside/Because everything is dead on the inside' and the 2:33 final verse 'Just so you know, I did not believe you could sink so low'. The song's structure is familiar: a basic beat at 0:16, guitars building from 0:31 to sneering vocals, a 2:03 counter-riff that merges at 2:19 with vocals and ascending to the final verse and 3:26 final distortion... "La Mer" is the first major surprise, a beautiful and sweeping fusion of piano, keyboard and cello, reminiscent of Symbolist composer Debussy. At 1:07 Denise Milfort whispers, setting the stage for sometime Ministry drummer Bill Reiflin's jazz drumming at 1:22, and a funky 1:32 guitar/bass line. The pulsing synth guitar at 2:04 serves as anchoring percussion for a cinematic electronica mindscape, filtered through new layers of sonic chiaroscuro at 2:51. 3:06 phase shifting, 3:22 layer doubling, 3:37 outgoing solo, 3:50-3:54 more swirling vocal fragments, seguing into a fading cello quartet as shadows creep. David Carson's moody film-clip captures the end more ominously, depicting the beauty of drowning. This track contains the line 'Nothing can stop me now', which appears to be Reznor's personal mantra. This track rivals 'Hurt' and 'A Warm Place' from The Downward Spiral and 'Something I Can Never Have' from Pretty Hate Machine as perhaps the most emotionally revealing and delicate material that Reznor has written. "The Great Below" ends the first disc with more multi-layered textures fusing nostalgia and reverie: a twelve-second cello riff is counter-pointed by a plucked overlay, which builds to a 0:43 washed pulse effect, transformed by six second pulses between 1:04-1:19 and a further effects layer at 1:24. E-bow effects underscore lyrics like 'Currents have their say' (2:33) and 'Washes me away' (2:44), which a 3:33 sitar riff answers. These complexities are further transmuted by seemingly random events -- a 4:06 doubling of the sitar riff which 'glitches' and a 4:32 backbeat echo that drifts for four bars. While Reznor's lyrics suggest that he is unable to control subjective time-states (like The Joker in the Batman: Dark Knight series of Kali-yuga comic-books), the track constructions show that the Key to his hold over the listener is very carefully constructed songs whose spaces resemble Pythagorean mathematical formulas. Misdirecting the audience is the secret of many magicians. "The Way Out Is Through" opens the 'Right' disc with an industrial riff that builds at 0:19 to click-track and rhythm, the equivalent of a weaving spiral. Whispering 'All I've undergone/I will keep on' at 1:24, Reznor is backed at 1:38 by synths and drums coalescing into guitars, which take shape at 1:46 and turn into a torrential electrical current. The models are clearly natural morphogenetic structures. The track twists through inner storms and torments from 2:42 to 2:48, mirrored by vocal shards at 2:59 and soundscapes at 3:45, before piano fades in and out at 4:12. The title references peri-natal theories of development (particularly those of Stanislav Grof), which is the source of much of the album's imagery. "Into the Void" is not the Black Sabbath song of the same name, but a catchy track that uses the same unfolding formula (opening static, cello at 0:18, guitars at 0:31, drums and backbeat at 1:02, trademark industrial vocals and synth at 1:02, verse at 1:23), and would not appear out of place in a Survival Research Laboratories exhibition. At 3:42 Reznor plays with the edge of synth soundscapes, merging vocals at 4:02 and ending the track nicely at 4:44 alone. "Where Is Everybody?" emulates earlier structures, but relies from 2:01 on whirring effects and organic rhythms, including a flurry of eight beat pulses between 2:40-2:46 and a 3:33 spiralling guitar solo. The 4:26 guitar solo is pure Adrian Belew, and is suddenly ended by spluttering static and white noise at 5:13. "The Mark Has Been Made" signals another downshift into introspectiveness with 0:32 ghostly synth shimmers, echoed by cello at 1:04 which is the doubled at 1:55 by guitar. At 2:08 industrial riffs suddenly build up, weaving between 3:28 distorted guitars and the return of the repressed original layer at 4:16. The surprise is a mystery 32 second soundscape at the end with Reznor crooning 'I'm getting closer, all the time' like a zombie devil Elvis. "Please" highlights spacious noise at 0:48, and signals a central album motif at 1:04 with the line 'Time starts slowing down/Sink until I drown'. The psychic mood of the album shifts with the discovery of Imagination as a liberating force against oppression. The synth sound again is remarkably organic for an industrial album. "Starfuckers Inc" is the now infamous sneering attack on rock-stardom, perhaps at Marilyn Manson (at 3:08 Reznor quotes Carly Simon's 'You're So Vain'). Jungle beats and pulsing synths open the track, which features the sound-sculpting talent of Pop Will Eat Itself member Clint Mansell. Beginning at 0:26, Reznor's vocals appear to have been sampled, looped and cut up (apologies to Brion Gysin and William S. Burroughs). The lines 'I have arrived and this time you should believe the hype/I listened to everyone now I know everyone was right' is a very savage and funny exposure of Manson's constant references to Friedrich Nietzsche's Herd-mentality: the Herd needs a bogey-man to whip it into submission, and Manson comes dangerous close to fulfilling this potential, thus becoming trapped by a 'Stacked Deck' paradox. The 4:08 lyric line 'Now I belong I'm one of the Chosen Ones/Now I belong I'm one of the Beautiful Ones' highlights the problem of being Elect and becoming intertwined with institutionalised group-think. The album version ditches the closing sample of Gene Simmons screaming "Thankyou and goodnight!" to an enraptured audience on the single from KISS Alive (1975), which was appropriately over-the-top (the alternate quiet version is worth hearing also). "The danger Marilyn Manson faces", notes Don Webb (current High Priest of the Temple of Set), "is that he may end up in twenty years time on the 'Tonight Show' safely singing our favourite songs like a Goth Frank Sinatra, and will have gradually lost his antinomian power. It's much harder to maintain the enigmatic aura of an Evil villain than it is to play the clown with society". Reznor's superior musicianship and sense of irony should keep him from falling into the same trap. "Complication" juggernauts in at 0:57 with screaming vocals and a barrage of white noise at 1:56. It's clear by now that Reznor has read his psychological operations (PSYOP) manuals pertaining to blasting the hell out of his audiences' psyche by any means necessary. Computer blip noise and black light flotation tank memories. Dislocating pauses and time-bends. The aural equivalent of Klein bottles. "Complication" juggernauts in at 0:57 with screaming vocals and a barrage of white noise at 1:56. It's clear by now that Reznor has read his psychological operations (PSYOP) manuals pertaining to blasting the hell out of his audiences' psyche by any means necessary. Computer blip noise and black light flotation tank memories. Dislocating pauses and time-bends. The aural equivalent of Klein bottles. "The Big Come Down" begins with a four-second synth/static intro that is smashed apart by a hard beat at 0:05 and kaleidoscope guitars at 0:16. Critics refer to the song's lyrics in an attempt to project a narcissistic Reznor personality, but don't comment on stylistic tweaks like the AM radio influenced backing vocals at 1:02 and 1:19, or the use of guitars as a percussion layer at 1:51. A further intriguing element is the return of the fly samples at 2:38, an effect heard on previous releases and a possible post-human sub-text. The alien mythos will eventually reign over the banal and empty human. At 3:07 the synths return with static, a further overlay adds more synths at 3:45 as the track spirals to its peak, before dissipating at 3:1 in a mesh of percussion and guitars. "Underneath It All" opens with a riff that signals we have reached the album's climatic turning point, with the recurring theme of fragmenting body-memories returning at 0:23 with the line 'All I can do/I can still feel you', and being echoed by pulsing static at 0:42 as electric percussion. A 'Messiah Complex' appears at 1:34 with the line 'Crucify/After all I've died/After all I've tried/You are still inside', or at least it appears to be that on the surface. This is the kind of line that typical rock critics will quote, but a careful re-reading suggests that Reznor is pointing to the painful nature of remanifesting. Our past shapes us more than we would like to admit particularly our first relationships. "Ripe (With Decay)" is the album's final statement, a complex weaving of passages over a repetitive mesh of guitars, pulsing echoes, back-beats, soundscapes, and a powerful Mike Garson piano solo (2:26). Earlier motifs including fly samples (3:00), mournful funeral violas (3:36) and slowing time effects (4:28) recur throughout the track. Having finally reached the psychotic core, Reznor is not content to let us rest, mixing funk bass riffs (4:46), vocal snatches (5:23) and oscillating guitars (5:39) that drag the listener forever onwards towards the edge of the abyss (5:58). The final sequence begins at 6:22, loses fidelity at 6:28, and ends abruptly at 6:35. At millennium's end there is a common-held perception that the world is in an irreversible state of decay, and that Culture is just a wafer-thin veneer over anarchy. Music like The Fragile suggests that we are still trying to assimilate into popular culture the 'war-on-Self' worldviews unleashed by the nineteenth-century 'Masters of Suspicion' (Charles Darwin, Sigmund Freud, Friedrich Nietzsche). This 'assimilation gap' is evident in industrial music, which in the late 1970s was struggling to capture the mood of the Industrial Revolution and Charles Dickens, so the genre is ripe for further exploration of the scarred psyche. What the self-appointed moral guardians of the Herd fail to appreciate is that as the imprint baseline rises (reflective of socio-political realities), the kind of imagery prevalent throughout The Fragile and in films like Strange Days (1995), The Matrix (1999) and eXistenZ (1999) is going to get even darker. The solution is not censorship or repression in the name of pleasing an all-saving surrogate god-figure. No, these things have to be faced and embraced somehow. Such a process can only occur if there is space within for the Sadeian aesthetic that Nine Inch Nails embodies, and not a denial of Dark Eros. "We need a second Renaissance", notes Don Webb, "a rejuvenation of Culture on a significant scale". In other words, a global culture-shift of quantum (aeon or epoch-changing) proportions. The tools required will probably not come just from the over-wordy criticism of Cyber-culture and Cultural Studies or the logical-negative feeding frenzy of most Music Journalism. They will come from a dynamic synthesis of disciplines striving toward a unity of knowledge -- what socio-biologist Edward O. Wilson has described as 'Consilience'. Liberating tools and ideas will be conveyed to a wider public audience unfamiliar with such principles through predominantly science fiction visual imagery and industrial/electronica music. The Fragile serves as an invaluable model for how such artefacts could transmit their dreams and propagate their messages. For the hyper-alert listener, it will be the first step on a new journey. But sadly for the majority, it will be just another hysterical industrial album promoted as selection of the month. References Bester, Alfred. The Stars My Destination. London: Millennium Books, 1999. Eshun, Kodwo. More Brilliant than the Sun: Adventures in Sonic Fiction. London: Quartet Books, 1998. Van der Kolk, Bessel A. "Trauma and Memory." Traumatic Stress: The Effects of Overwhelming Experience on Mind, Body, and Society. Eds. Bessel A. van der Kolk et al. New York: Guilford Press, 1996. Nine Inch Nails. Downward Spiral. Nothing/Interscope, 1994. ---. The Fragile. Nothing, 1999. ---. Pretty Hate Machine. TVT, 1989. Citation reference for this article MLA style: Alex Burns. "'This Machine Is Obsolete': A Listeners' Guide to Nine Inch Nails' The Fragile." M/C: A Journal of Media and Culture 2.8 (1999). [your date of access] <http://www.uq.edu.au/mc/9912/nine.php>. Chicago style: Alex Burns, "'This Machine Is Obsolete': A Listeners' Guide to Nine Inch Nails' The Fragile," M/C: A Journal of Media and Culture 2, no. 8 (1999), <http://www.uq.edu.au/mc/9912/nine.php> ([your date of access]). APA style: Alex Burns. (1999) 'This machine is obsolete': a listeners' guide to Nine Inch Nails' The fragile. M/C: A Journal of Media and Culture 2(8). <http://www.uq.edu.au/mc/9912/nine.php> ([your date of access]).

The first time I read Hélène Cixous’s The Laugh of the Medusa I swooned. I wanted to write the whole thing out, large, and black, and pin it across an entire wall. I was 32 and vulnerable around polemic texts (I was always copying out quotes and sticking them to my walls, trying to hold onto meaning, unable to let the writing I read slip out and away). You must "write your self, your body must be heard" (Cixous 880), I read, as if for the hundredth time, even though it was the first. Those decades old words had an echoing, a resonance to them, as if each person who had read them had left their own mnemonic mark there, so that by the time they reached me, they struck, immediately, at my core (not the heart or the spine, or even the gut, but somewhere stickier; some pulsing place in amongst my organs, somewhere not touched, a space forgotten). The body that read The Laugh was so big its knees had trouble lifting it from chairs (“more body, hence more writing”, Cixous 886), and was soon to have its gallbladder taken. Its polycystic ovaries dreamed, lumpily and without much hope, of zygotes. The body that read The Laugh was a wobbling thing, sheathed in fat (as if this could protect it), with a yearning for sveltness, for muscle, for strength. Cixous sang through its cells, and called it to itself. The body that read The Laugh wrote itself back. It spoke about dungeons, and walls that had collected teenaged fists, and needles that turned it somnambulant and concave and warm until it was not. It wrote trauma in short and staggering sentences (out, get it out) as if narrative could save it from a fat-laden and static decline. Text leaked from tissue and bone, out through fingers and onto the page, and in increments so small I did not notice them, the body took its place. I was, all-of-a-sudden, more than my head. And then the body that read The Laugh performed the ultimate coup, and conceived.The body wrote then about its own birth, and the birth of its mother, and when its own children were born, of course, of course, about them. “Oral drive, anal drive, vocal drive–all these drives are our strengths, and among them is the gestation drive–all just like the desire to write: a desire to live self from within, a desire for the swollen belly, for language, for blood” (Cixous 891). The fat was gone, and in its place this other tissue, that later would be he. What I know now is that the body gets what the body wants. What I know now is that the body will tell its story, because if you “censor the body [… then] you censor breath and speech at the same time” (Cixous 880).I am trying to find a beginning. Because where is the place where I start? I was never a twinkle in my mother’s eye. It was the seventies. She was 22 and then 23–there was nothing planned about me. Her eyes a flinty green, hair long and straight. When I think of her then I remember this photo: black and white on the thick photo paper that is hard to get now. No shiny oblong spat from a machine, this paper was pulled in and out of three chemical trays and hung, dripping, in a dark red room to show me a woman in a long white t-shirt and nothing else. She stares straight out at me. On the shirt is a women’s symbol with a fist in the middle of it. Do you know the one? It might have been purple (the symbol I mean). When I think of her then I see her David Bowie teeth, the ones she hated, and a packet of Drum tobacco with Tally-Hos tucked inside, and some of the scars on her forearms, but not all of them, not yet. I can imagine her pregnant with me, the slow gait, that fleshy weight dragging at her spine and pelvis. She told me the story of my birth every year on my birthday. She remembers what day of the week the contractions started. The story is told with a kind of glory in the detail, with a relishing of small facts. I do the same with my children now. I was delivered by forceps. The dent in my skull, up above my right ear, was a party trick when I was a teenager, and an annoyance when I wanted to shave my head down to the bone at 18. Just before Jem was born, I discovered a second dent behind my left ear. My skull holds the footprint of those silver clamps. My bones say here, and here, this is where I was pulled from you. I have seen babies being born this way. They don’t slide out all sealish and purple and slippy. They are pulled. The person holding the forcep handles uses their whole body weight to yank that baby out. It makes me squirm, all that pulling, those tiny neck bones concertinaing out, the silver scoops sinking into the skull and leaving prints, like a warm spoon in dough. The urgency of separation, of the need to make two things from one. After Jem was born he lay on my chest for hours. As the placenta was birthed he weed on me. I felt the warm trickle down my side and was glad. There was nothing so right as my naked body making a bed for his. I lay in a pool of wet (blood and lichor and Jem’s little wee) and the midwives pushed towels under me so I wouldn’t get cold. He sucked. White waffle weave blankets over both of us. That bloody nest. I lay in it and rested my free hand on his vernix covered back; the softest thing I had ever touched. We basked in the warm wet. We basked. How do I sew theory into this writing? Julia Kristeva especially, whose Stabat Mater describes those early moments of holding the one who was inside and then out so perfectly that I am left silent. The smell of milk, dew-drenched greenery, sour and clear, a memory of wind, of air, of seaweed (as if a body lived without waste): it glides under my skin, not stopping at the mouth or nose but caressing my veins, and stripping the skin from the bones fills me like a balloon full of ozone and I plant my feet firmly on the ground in order to carry him, safe, stable, unuprootable, while he dances in my neck, floats with my hair, looks right and left for a soft shoulder, “slips on the breast, swingles, silver vivid blossom of my belly” and finally flies up from my navel in his dream, borne by my hands. My son (Kristeva, Stabat Mater 141). Is theory more important than this? The smell of milk (dried, it is soursweet and will draw any baby to you, nuzzling and mewling), which resides alongside the Virgin Mother and the semiotics of milk and tears. The language of fluid. While the rest of this writing, the stories not of mothers and babies, but one mother and one baby, came out smooth and fast, as soon as I see or hear or write that word, theory, I slow. I am concerned with the placement of things. I do not have the sense of being free. But if there’s anything that should come from this vain attempt to answer Cixous, to “write your self. Your body must be heard” (880), it should be that freedom and theory, boundary-lessness, is where I reside. If anything should come from this, it is the knowing that theory is the most creative pursuit, and that creativity will always speak to theory. There are fewer divisions than any of us realise, and the leakiness of bodies, of this body, will get me there. The smell of this page is of lichor; a clean but heady smell, thick with old cells and a foetus’s breath. The smell of this page is of blood and saliva and milk mixed (the colour like rotten strawberries or the soaked pad at the bottom of your tray of supermarket mince). It is a smell that you will secretly savour, breathe deeply, and then long for lemon zest or the sharpness of coffee beans to send away that angelic fug. That milk and tears have a language of their own is undeniable. Kristeva says they are “metaphors of non-language, of a ‘semiotic’ that does not coincide with linguistic communication” (Stabat Mater 143) but what I know is that these fluids were the first language for my children. Were they the first language for me? Because “it must be true: babies drink language along with the breastmilk: Curling up over their tongues while they take siestas–Mots au lait, verbae cum lacta, palabros con leche” (Wasserman quoted in Giles 223). The enduring picture I have of myself as an infant is of a baby who didn’t cry, but my mother will tell you a different story, in the way that all of us do. She will tell you I didn’t smile until I was five months old (Soli and Jem were both beaming at three months). Born six weeks premature, my muscles took longer to find their place, to assemble themselves under my skin. She will tell you I screamed in the night, because all babies do. Is this non-language? Jem was unintelligible much of the time. I felt as if I was holding a puzzle. Three o’clock in the morning, having tried breastfeeds, a bath with Nick Drake’s Pink Moon, bouncing him in a baby sling on the fitball (wedged into a corner so that if I nodded off I would hopefully swoon backwards, and the wall would wake me), walking him around and around while rocking and singing, then breastfeeding again, and still he did not sleep, and still he cried and clawed at my cheeks and shoulders and wrists and writhed; I could not guess at what it was he needed. I had never been less concerned with the self that was me. I was all breasts and milk and a craving for barbecued chicken and watermelon at three in the morning because he was drinking every ounce of energy I had. I was arms and a voice. I was food. And then I learnt other things; about let downs and waking up in pools of the stuff. Wet. Everywhere. “Lactating bodies tend towards anarchy” (Bartlett 163). Any body will tend towards anarchy – there is so much to keep in – but there are only so many openings a person can keep track of, and breastfeeding meant a kind of levelling up, meant I was as far from clean and proper as I possibly could be (Kristeva, Powers of Horror 72).In the nights I was not alone. Caren could not breastfeed him, but could do everything else, and never said I have to work tomorrow, because she knew I was working too. During waking hours I watched him constantly for those mystical tired signs, which often were hungry signs, which quickly became overtired signs. There was no figuring it out. But Soli, with Soli, I knew. The language of babies had been sung into my bones. There is a grammar in crying, a calling out and telling, a way of knowing that is older than I’ll ever be. Those tiny bodies are brimming with semiotics. Knees pulled up is belly ache, arching is tired, a look to the side I-want-that-take-me-there-not-there. There. Curling in, the whole of him, is don’t-look-at-me-now-hands-away. Now he is one he uses his hands to tell me what he wants. Sign language because I sign and so, then, does he, but also an emphatic placing of my hands on his body or toys, utensils, swings, things. In the early hours of a Wednesday morning I tried to stroke his head, to close his wide-open eyes with my fingertips. He grabbed my hand and moved it to his chest before I could alight on the bridge of his nose. And yesterday he raised his arm into the air, then got my hand and placed it into his raised hand, then stood, and led me down to the laundry to play with the dustpan and broom. His body, literally, speaks.This is the language of mothers and babies. It is laid down in the darkest part of the night. Laid down like memory, like dreams, stitched into tiredness and circled with dread adrenalin and fear. It will never stop. That baby will cry and I will stare owl-eyed into the dark and bend my cracking knees (don’t shake the baby it will only make it worse don’t shake don’t). These babies will grow into children and then adults who will never remember those screaming nights, cots like cages, a stuffed toy pushed on them as if it could replace the warmth of skin and breath (please, please, little bear, replace the warmth of skin and breath). I will never remember it, but she will. They will never remember it, but we will. Kristeva says too that mothers are in a “catastrophe of identity which plunges the proper Name into that ‘unnameable’ that somehow involves our imaginary representations of femininity, non-language, or the body” (Stabat Mater 134). A catastrophe of identity. The me and the not-me. In the night, with a wrapped baby and aching biceps, the I-was batting quietly at the I-am. The I-am is all body. Arms to hold and bathe and change him, milk to feed him, a voice to sing and soothe him. The I-was is a different beast, made of words and books, uninterrupted conversation and the kind of self-obsession and autonomy I didn’t know existed until it was gone. Old friends stopped asking me about my day. They asked Caren, who had been at work, but not me. It did not matter that she was a woman; in this, for most people we spoke to, she was the public and I was the private, her work mattered and mine did not. Later she would commiserate and I would fume, but while it was happening, it was near impossible to contest. A catastrophe of identity. In a day I had fed and walked and cried and sung and fed and rocked and pointed and read books with no words and rolled inane balls across the lounge room floor and washed and sung and fed. I had circled in and around while the sun traced its arc. I had waited with impatience for adult company. I had loved harder than I ever had before. I had metamorphosed and nobody noticed. Nobody noticed. A catastrophe of identity it was, but the noise and visibility that the word catastrophe invokes was entirely absent. And where was the language to describe this peeling inside out? I was burnished bright by those sleepless nights, by the requirement of the I-am. And in those nights I learned what my mother already knew. That having children is a form of grief. That we lose. But that we gain. At 23, what’s lost is possibility. She must have seen her writer’s life drilling down to nothing. She knew that Sylvia Plath had placed her head, so carefully on its pillow, in that gas filled place. No pungent metaphor, just a poet, a mother, who could not continue. I had my babies at 34 and 36. I knew some of what I would lose, but had more than I needed. My mother had started out with not enough, and so was left concave and edged with desperation as she made her way through inner-city Sydney’s grime, her children singing from behind her wait for me, wait for me, Mama please wait for me, I’m going just as fast as I can.Nothing could be more ‘normal’ than that a maternal image should establish itself on the site of that tempered anguish known as love. No one is spared. Except perhaps the saint or the mystic, or the writer who, by force of language, can still manage nothing more than to demolish the fiction of the mother-as-love’s-mainstay and to identify with love as it really is: a fire of tongues, an escape from representation (Kristeva, Stabat Mater 145).We transformed, she and I. She hoped to make herself new with children. A writer born of writers, the growing and birthing of our tiny bodies forced her to place pen to paper, to fight to write. She carved a place for herself with words but it kept collapsing in on her. My father’s bi-polar rages, his scrubbing evil spirits from the soles of her shoes in the middle of the night, wore her down, and soon she inhabited that maternal image anyway, in spite of all her attempts to side step it. The mad mother, the single mother, the sad mother. And yes I remember those mothers. But I also remember her holding me so hard sometimes I couldn’t breathe properly, and that some nights when I couldn’t sleep she had warm eyes and made chamomile tea, and that she called me angel. A fire of tongues, but even she, with her words, couldn’t escape from representation. I am a writer born of writers born of writers (triply blessed or cursed with text). In my scramble to not be mad or bad or sad, I still could not escape the maternal image. More days than I can count I lay under my babies wishing I could be somewhere, anywhere else, but they needed to sleep or feed or be. With me. Held captive by the need to be a good mother, to be the best mother, no saint or mystic presenting itself, all I could do was write. Whole poems sprang unbidden and complete from my pen. My love for my children, that fire of tongues, was demolishing me, and the only way through was to inhabit this vessel of text, to imbibe the language of bodies and tears and night, and make from it my boat.Those children wrote my body in the night. They taught me about desire, that unbounded scribbling thing that will not be bound by subjectivity, by me. They taught me that “the body is literally written on, inscribed, by desire and signification” (Grosz 60), and every morning I woke with ashen bones and poetry aching out through my pores, with my body writing me.This Mother ThingI maintain that I do not have to leavethe house at nightall leathery and eyelinered,all booted up and raw.I maintain that I do not miss thosesmoky rooms (wait that’s not allowed any more)where we strut and, without looking,compare tattoos.Because two years ago I had you.You with your blonde hair shining, your eyes like a creek after rain, that veinthat’s so blue on the side of your small nosethat people think you’ve been bruised.Because two years ago you cameout of me and landed here and grew. There is no going out. We (she and me) washand cook and wash and clean and love.This mother thing is the making of me but I missthose pulsing rooms,the feel of all of you pressing in onall of me.This mother thing is the making of me. And in text, in poetry, I find my home. “You only have to look at the Medusa straight on to see her. And she’s not deadly. She’s beautiful and she’s laughing” (Cixous 885). The mother-body writes herself, and is made new. The mother-body writes her own mother, and knows she was always-already here. The mother-body births, and breastfeeds, and turns to me in the aching night and says this: the Medusa? The Medusa is me.ReferencesBartlett, Alison. Breastwork: Rethinking Breastfeeding. Sydney: UNSW Press, 2005.Cixous, Hélène, Keith Cohen, and Paula Cohen (Trans.). "The Laugh of the Medusa." Signs 1.4 (1976): 875-93. Giles, Fiona. Fresh Milk. Crows Nest, NSW: Allen & Unwin, 2003. Grosz, Elizabeth. Volatile Bodies: Toward a Corporeal Feminism. St Leonards, NSW: Allen & Unwin, 1994.Kristeva, Julia, and Leon S. Roudiez (Trans.) Powers of Horror: An Essay on Abjection. New York: Columbia University Press, 1982.Kristeva, Julia, and Arthur Goldhammer (Trans.). "Stabat Mater." Poetics Today 6.1-2 (1985): 133-52.